Realizing and accepting your Purpose

It's so crazy how long it can take us sometimes to see what's right before our eyes. When we are absent our 20/20 vision because we focus so heavily on what we dont have, who or what is missing we have such a blurred view of our blessings. Today I am as happy as a mama can be. When your most prized possessions are your kids and they go off into this world we know can be a cruel place, oh but what a glorious day when they are kept by God and he sends them back to you in one piece you really can't help but to be thankful for  that. My baby boy, my only son, my first born who is growing into a young man is home for the holiday from school God showed me again how awesome he is. It's confirmation that what he has for me will be so much greater than what I thought I needed, he showed me that what he has already given is enough
I just have to look at it differently. Some times get out of my own way and for Christ sakes just embrace what you have. My baby hugged and kissed me so hard and long and smiled more than I have ever seen him smile before. He was so happy to be home to be in the home that his parents have made for him. I'am his place to go, his comfort, his stability, the place he knows all is warm and well when he gets there. I thought about
when I was 18 I had no place to call home, no mom because she had passed away years before, no room in someones house that was kept just for me, no warm and well place to return where people awaited my arrival. No one made sure they went to the grocery store and got my favorite food items. All of a sudden I was hit with a feeling of fulfillment as I had to say thank you god for allowing me to be to my babies all that I never had and although I will never know what that feels like the joy of giving it seemed so much more satisfying than to receieve it. Everything may not always be perfect I'am waiting the harvest of so many blessings. But god has not forgot about me and he is right on time today. Remember to embrace who embraces you love who loves you. I do believe that their are probably multiple purposes for our lives and when we stop trying to do things our way and take off the blinders we can then open our minds and hearts to what God has appointed us to be. I used to feel as though it was a bit of a curse to be living life as a motherless child, to then becoming a teen mom and then struggling to be my  best self. I now believe that the events that have shaped my life is a part of my divine intervention. I think that God knew I was gonna need all the love,fulfillment, laughter and support from these little people he entrusted to me. He knew I was gonna get to place a  where I would feel so alone and so empty that the love of family is the only thing that would sustain me. Just as they need me I in the same fashion would need them. That is what he does he fixes us when we don't even know that it is him who's doing the work. I unboubtable know that one of my purposes is to be Don,Daijah,Kaylee and Kelby's mom.

Respectfully,
From The Heart of The Family

Happy Holidays!

Perception,Opinions & Truth

So many times I hear people speak on how they read into a persons words, how they got a million feelings and thoughts based off a persons looks or the manner in which they spoke or how they flung their hair or how one leg moved in front of the other as they walked into a room or words typed in a text or posted on Facebook or any other silly thing that may make a person feel as though they are great at knowing the contents of ones heart based on fluff that really means nothing. How do you make it so that no one ever has a reason to question your heart, your integrity and good intentions again, and why when we are doubted does it feel as though someone has taken a dagger to our hearts? Why even when we scream and yell our reasonings we can still be misunderstood. Why is it that no matter how much we try to change show and prove our growth people will always want to hold you to who you were in the past and every time you make a mistake they are ready to judge you based on something or someone you were years ago? That particularly hurts me.  I know sometimes we can say somethings to people and no matter how we see it it can seem like a personal attack. Is it that no matter what, no matter who the person is or how close we are or how much they know we love them we will always have to censor the words,thoughts and opinions of our heart? I in over the past seven years have found it more condusive to my well being and sanity to disassociate myself with a lot of people I mean like pretty much my entire maternal side of my family and to be honest even though God showed me so much and know it was what had to happen the shock of just cutting off my family in the way that I did some days made me feel like somebody had massacred my entire life. So I try to be a better person than I was in the past moving forward in the few relationships that I have maintained. In those relationships I don't act out of emotion or selfishness I try not to get offended and make personal attacks on peoples character or hit below belt in disagreements I try my best to move only in the most genuine ways possible. So yes it hurts when we are doubted or made to feel that our actions were out of anything other than love. Personally for me I really don't feel as though I should let go of anymore relationships. So is it impossible to escape ever being doubted or misunderstood again? I can appreciate that no matter what ones intentions are that has no bearing on how It has made a person feel which most times can be totally out of context. I often reflect on my relationship with my dad and it's nonexsistence. If I give a recount of my life as it pertains to him and he does boy are our memories different. You see his perceptions and my truth and feelings are totally different he said and did things which were intended for one thing and how it made me feel and how I took it was something totally different. Now don't get me wrong it's a proven fact that my dad doesn't have a decent bone in his body
(but he's just wired that way). But nontheless in his twisted mind he had his reasons for things whether good or illed intention at the time the fact remains he did somethings like buy me a car which he felt was an action that solidified him as a loving a caring father but he's also the same man who fought me in the street like his blood does not run through my veins. Anyway guess what I'm gonna have to deal with is the fact that no matter what people are entitled to their feelings and opinions and they may not always be on one accord with our hearts intentions.

Respectfully,
From The Heart of The Family

Surviving a broken heart

We all know that just like that a switch can go off in your mind and suddenly your down and every heartache, every worry can hit you like a ton of bricks and you can be over come with sadness and grief, you look for someone to blame for the way your feeling, you look for someone or something to fix the way your feeling. As I began to wear the weight of sad and emotional holiday bug filled with feelings of being alone I realized in the past 4 years that this is a struggle of mine. The holidays make me so happy I could dance but they also make me confront my reality that outside of my kids and husband Iam not at all close to anyone else in my family & since I decided to move away from home I don't have a friend for miles. Their are no holiday plannings with my big sister and little brothers to share and enjoy the spirit of family together their  is no list of friends and play sisters to visit, it's just us. I know I know exactly how that sounds ungreatful and selfish right? Well what about your husband and kids one might ask, are they not enough? Well I put on my Christmas tunes sing and become even sadder. To be honest I ask myself so much why do I long for this why does the absence of a family full of love make me feel such a way, why is my heart not content? I don't know, I made a vow to myself this year to not get all in my feelings over this, that their will be absolutely no calls to people to try to persuade them to choose family togetherness over the holidays to not try to encourage friends whom I look at as family that the holidays are a family affair we should do it together. I just ran into some one  who just explained to me that they have been completely bald for over year due to stress induced alopecia, she said she worries about everything and has major anxiety. She says she is tying to trust gods plan for her family and stop worrying if not for nothing for her health. I immediately want to cry. I'm thinking this is what real worry and stress and pain feels like and thats not to minimize what I'm feeling because I know my feelings are valid. But I have to get past it look at it from a different perspective. The family love I long for I have just not in the way that in envision it. My kids and husband love me my babies are so excited about the holidays and though they often ask to be with their aunts and cousins during the holidays they still enjoy themselves because they enjoy and appreciate the traditions and the loving atmosphere that we create for them. We could be at a grandmothers house or an aunt or uncle and be surrounded by people but I'd rather only subject my family to situations where the love is really real. My family the one I created is my life and I'd give any amount of anything just to see them happy.  Im making a promise from here on out to learn to be more greatful and appreciative of the blessing that God has provided and not waste time focusing on what could be should be, would be. I have no reason to be sad everything isn't always gonna be the way we envision it but we have to trust that God has made it this way for a reason and if it is within his plans then it will be. And on days when my heart feels broken the most and the most loneliest I've ever been and feel neglected and forgot about I will remember what I have and realize that my life is not missing anything at all.
Choose to be happy, Choose to love, Choose to be content
Happy Holidays

Respectfully,
From The Heart Of The Family

Choosing your battles

What makes you tick? Are you one of those people who are pretty much annoyed by anything anyone else does that you don't agree with or is it a specific thing in particular? Well for me I can say without a doubt it is cleanliness, I have to be honest and this is not to toot my own horn but I'm probably one of the most cleanest people I know I can't help it I was raised that way. Well my husband on the other didn't get the  memo and seems to clearly have a problem of catching on after 7 years of living together, either that or he has a personal vendatta against me to ruin my life by  going against every single thing I put in place to keep order in our house (deep sigh) He doesn't understand that this is how I keep my peace of mind. So this brings me to ask myself is it really that serious, do I have to  cringe at the immediate sight of him walking on the clean carpets in his dirty shoes after I've asked one hundred times not to and he replies oblivious to my irritation "what? My shoes aren't dirty". Cant I just let it go and pick my battles save the speaches for a deeper matter? Look past silly agruing and bickering and try to find happiness? This is true I could probably do that. But much to my dismay I have  a hard time doing that. Some days I wish that he made a bit more effort to do some things just because it's what I like or it's something he knows is pleasing to me. I can't speak for everyone and I certainly won't try but when you feel like a persons effort is a direct reflection of their love for you its dishearting to get to a place in your relationship where it seems as though they just don't care. Their isn't a desire to cater to your wants and needs when everyday just seems to feel like your just going through the motions and you look up and wonder how on earth did we end up here? are the small petty arguments a sign that their are bigger problems deep down and how do you address them and fix them without having the gates the hells spill open into your relationship, how do you discuss issues big or small without getting off topic or going into a never ending round of the blame game, how do you get your spouse to understand that just because something may seems small and minor to them it's a major issue to you and want it to be viewed in that way?....

Respectfully,
From The Heart of The Family