Living your life in Transition

I started to write this post back in December but back then it  meant something different to me. Today I'm feeling different about "living your life in transition" I've been feel so much like I'm in transition lately trying to understand and become acquainted with the "new me" recently someone asked me what my hobbies are, and I have to say I had no clue what to say. For a brief moment in my mind I thought you know what I actually don't know. That along with some other instances recently have bought me to the conclusion that I am a woman in transition somewhere floating in between who I used to be, who I've grown into and who god created me to be. Most days we find ourselves saying things like "I'm not feeling like myself" or "I don't do any of the things I used to do" what if that's not a bad thing, what if some cosmic force is sucking all of the old out of us so that we can walk into the new us. maybe we don't do or feel the same because we truly are not the same is that a bad thing, would it be so bad? I think until I was asked that question I wasn't fully aware that I am a woman on a mission to be me, I mean don't get me wrong I know and have known that I am a changed woman. But that opened my eyes to just how much I have changed and how much of a transition process I'm in. Its like a car with a new motor right? and even though its the same car on the outside the same color, it still has that same smell to it in the inside. You get in and it reminds you of a familiar place when you inhale. But under the hood the heart of the car the guts, the soul everything that makes this car perfect running even though it has surpassed one hundred thousand miles and has been through numerous finder benders and wrecks the soul of it is brand new and the car has to get acquainted with its heart the hoses and pullies and all the new fluids flowing through it and they all work together to make the car the amazing operating machine that is but its has to run for a while and warm up get the fluids moving, to the reeving of the engine so that all the parts understand and know that they all have to be present for this to work. All things in agreement they all have to love the thought of the car moving up and down the road ways and interstates for this thing to function at its best. I think I'm a blank slate and I have to go out and recreate and own who I am, what I like, what I need and apologize for none of it. I understand some people may not agree may not understand, say I'm boring and bougie or loud and ratchet however "they" choose to define me is their business I don't have to conform or change to fit the needs of anyone as long as my life is pleasing to god and I make the best decisions possible for kids and they are proud of me and most importantly I'm proud of me. So I'm gonna focus the rest of my time getting to know one of the most amazing persons that I know and love her, and be committed to uplifting and motivating her allow her to be imperfect and remind her everyday that she is not anyone else standards or opinions and most of all she is not her past and her circumstances in which she was born into. You my dear Kaylane are a perfectly flawed, funny and silly and loves to dance, and try new things that other people think are weird, and loving and super emotional, strong but beautifully vulnerable, full of empathy and compassion, forgiving and cautious, possessive and sometimes moody and always impatient and fearless woman that still loves chocolate just like your mama, loves to online shop and hates toilets you love love and romantic comedies because you are hopeless romantic and so much more that is still being written and discovered maybe being in transition does not have to be a bad thing....  

Perception,Opinions & Truth

So many times I hear people speak on how they read into a persons words, how they got a million feelings and thoughts based off a persons looks or the manner in which they spoke or how they flung their hair or how one leg moved in front of the other as they walked into a room or words typed in a text or posted on Facebook or any other silly thing that may make a person feel as though they are great at knowing the contents of ones heart based on fluff that really means nothing. How do you make it so that no one ever has a reason to question your heart, your integrity and good intentions again, and why when we are doubted does it feel as though someone has taken a dagger to our hearts? Why even when we scream and yell our reasonings we can still be misunderstood. Why is it that no matter how much we try to change show and prove our growth people will always want to hold you to who you were in the past and every time you make a mistake they are ready to judge you based on something or someone you were years ago? That particularly hurts me.  I know sometimes we can say somethings to people and no matter how we see it it can seem like a personal attack. Is it that no matter what, no matter who the person is or how close we are or how much they know we love them we will always have to censor the words,thoughts and opinions of our heart? I in over the past seven years have found it more condusive to my well being and sanity to disassociate myself with a lot of people I mean like pretty much my entire maternal side of my family and to be honest even though God showed me so much and know it was what had to happen the shock of just cutting off my family in the way that I did some days made me feel like somebody had massacred my entire life. So I try to be a better person than I was in the past moving forward in the few relationships that I have maintained. In those relationships I don't act out of emotion or selfishness I try not to get offended and make personal attacks on peoples character or hit below belt in disagreements I try my best to move only in the most genuine ways possible. So yes it hurts when we are doubted or made to feel that our actions were out of anything other than love. Personally for me I really don't feel as though I should let go of anymore relationships. So is it impossible to escape ever being doubted or misunderstood again? I can appreciate that no matter what ones intentions are that has no bearing on how It has made a person feel which most times can be totally out of context. I often reflect on my relationship with my dad and it's nonexsistence. If I give a recount of my life as it pertains to him and he does boy are our memories different. You see his perceptions and my truth and feelings are totally different he said and did things which were intended for one thing and how it made me feel and how I took it was something totally different. Now don't get me wrong it's a proven fact that my dad doesn't have a decent bone in his body
(but he's just wired that way). But nontheless in his twisted mind he had his reasons for things whether good or illed intention at the time the fact remains he did somethings like buy me a car which he felt was an action that solidified him as a loving a caring father but he's also the same man who fought me in the street like his blood does not run through my veins. Anyway guess what I'm gonna have to deal with is the fact that no matter what people are entitled to their feelings and opinions and they may not always be on one accord with our hearts intentions.

Respectfully,
From The Heart of The Family

Surviving a broken heart

We all know that just like that a switch can go off in your mind and suddenly your down and every heartache, every worry can hit you like a ton of bricks and you can be over come with sadness and grief, you look for someone to blame for the way your feeling, you look for someone or something to fix the way your feeling. As I began to wear the weight of sad and emotional holiday bug filled with feelings of being alone I realized in the past 4 years that this is a struggle of mine. The holidays make me so happy I could dance but they also make me confront my reality that outside of my kids and husband Iam not at all close to anyone else in my family & since I decided to move away from home I don't have a friend for miles. Their are no holiday plannings with my big sister and little brothers to share and enjoy the spirit of family together their  is no list of friends and play sisters to visit, it's just us. I know I know exactly how that sounds ungreatful and selfish right? Well what about your husband and kids one might ask, are they not enough? Well I put on my Christmas tunes sing and become even sadder. To be honest I ask myself so much why do I long for this why does the absence of a family full of love make me feel such a way, why is my heart not content? I don't know, I made a vow to myself this year to not get all in my feelings over this, that their will be absolutely no calls to people to try to persuade them to choose family togetherness over the holidays to not try to encourage friends whom I look at as family that the holidays are a family affair we should do it together. I just ran into some one  who just explained to me that they have been completely bald for over year due to stress induced alopecia, she said she worries about everything and has major anxiety. She says she is tying to trust gods plan for her family and stop worrying if not for nothing for her health. I immediately want to cry. I'm thinking this is what real worry and stress and pain feels like and thats not to minimize what I'm feeling because I know my feelings are valid. But I have to get past it look at it from a different perspective. The family love I long for I have just not in the way that in envision it. My kids and husband love me my babies are so excited about the holidays and though they often ask to be with their aunts and cousins during the holidays they still enjoy themselves because they enjoy and appreciate the traditions and the loving atmosphere that we create for them. We could be at a grandmothers house or an aunt or uncle and be surrounded by people but I'd rather only subject my family to situations where the love is really real. My family the one I created is my life and I'd give any amount of anything just to see them happy.  Im making a promise from here on out to learn to be more greatful and appreciative of the blessing that God has provided and not waste time focusing on what could be should be, would be. I have no reason to be sad everything isn't always gonna be the way we envision it but we have to trust that God has made it this way for a reason and if it is within his plans then it will be. And on days when my heart feels broken the most and the most loneliest I've ever been and feel neglected and forgot about I will remember what I have and realize that my life is not missing anything at all.
Choose to be happy, Choose to love, Choose to be content
Happy Holidays

Respectfully,
From The Heart Of The Family

Choosing your battles

What makes you tick? Are you one of those people who are pretty much annoyed by anything anyone else does that you don't agree with or is it a specific thing in particular? Well for me I can say without a doubt it is cleanliness, I have to be honest and this is not to toot my own horn but I'm probably one of the most cleanest people I know I can't help it I was raised that way. Well my husband on the other didn't get the  memo and seems to clearly have a problem of catching on after 7 years of living together, either that or he has a personal vendatta against me to ruin my life by  going against every single thing I put in place to keep order in our house (deep sigh) He doesn't understand that this is how I keep my peace of mind. So this brings me to ask myself is it really that serious, do I have to  cringe at the immediate sight of him walking on the clean carpets in his dirty shoes after I've asked one hundred times not to and he replies oblivious to my irritation "what? My shoes aren't dirty". Cant I just let it go and pick my battles save the speaches for a deeper matter? Look past silly agruing and bickering and try to find happiness? This is true I could probably do that. But much to my dismay I have  a hard time doing that. Some days I wish that he made a bit more effort to do some things just because it's what I like or it's something he knows is pleasing to me. I can't speak for everyone and I certainly won't try but when you feel like a persons effort is a direct reflection of their love for you its dishearting to get to a place in your relationship where it seems as though they just don't care. Their isn't a desire to cater to your wants and needs when everyday just seems to feel like your just going through the motions and you look up and wonder how on earth did we end up here? are the small petty arguments a sign that their are bigger problems deep down and how do you address them and fix them without having the gates the hells spill open into your relationship, how do you discuss issues big or small without getting off topic or going into a never ending round of the blame game, how do you get your spouse to understand that just because something may seems small and minor to them it's a major issue to you and want it to be viewed in that way?....

Respectfully,
From The Heart of The Family